I’m ashamed. Ashamed that I let my self lose control. Ashamed that I’m at my highest weight. Ashamed that at 30 pounds lighter I could smile so much bigger. Ashamed that I fail at my own eating disorder and my real problem is over eating. Ashamed of my love handles, bulging stomach, hidden bones and tight clothes. I’m ashamed at the fact that the only reason I have a thigh gap is because my hips are wider than the average girl. And the thing that I FUCKING hate is that I know that people are just gonna say all that stupid bullshit like “You’re actually thin” and “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you” and “That’s you’re eating disorder talking, not you.” I can see my body how it fucking is, and though my opinions may be different, that doesn’t change the facts which are as followed:
-I do not actually have a flat stomach.
-I do not have a thigh gap because I am underweight, but because of my hips distance.
-I may not look like I’m 300 pounds, but I feel it.
-Not everyone with an eating disorder is skinny and never eats
-Not everyone with an eating disorder purges
-Not everyone with anorexia under-eats.
-Not every with bulimia binges.
-Not all eating disorders are about weight loss or gain.
-Not everyone with an eating disorder has a distorted view on themselves.
I know how I look. Don’t tell me I’m thin. Because you may like the way I look and you may not, but when you have an eating disorder none of that matters. The only thing that matters is that when you don’t like the way you look, you don’t fucking like the way you look. So don’t get mad at someone and tell them they are selfish or attention seeking or screwed up if they can’t see your view on them, and don’t try and force them to do things they aren’t capable of doing or understanding because of this state of mind.